Prussia's Speed Dating
by LaraClover
Summary: After Hungary's marriage with Austria, Francis advises a heartbroken Prussia on how to find himself a partner. Prussia follows all Francis's tips… or at least, his own interpretations of them…


After Hungary's marriage with Austria, Prussia was flabbergasted that neither of them had considered marrying _him_ instead, and although he wouldn't admit it, he was quite upset.

"Your ego is bruised," said France, who had been his sworn frenemy for quite some time. "But fear not: Doctor Love will cure your broken heart!"

"Don't be a ditterpitter!" said Prussia, forcing a laugh. "The Awesome Me is fine!"

"But you want to get married too, do you not?"

"Well, yes! It would be unfair if the old piano master got to marry and not the supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Awesome Me!"

"Then you are in luck." France winked. "For I have organized a speed dating session, all for you, complete with dating tips from an experienced lover... myself."

Ha! What an awesome idea Francypants had, to invite all his many admirers over to date him! But nevertheless, he was not about to listen to anyone's _advice_.

"I'm not stupid!" he exclaimed in his raspy voice. "The Awesome Me will prove that he knows exactly how to charm any man or woman!"

"Try it alone, then, for your first contestant," muttered France, as if he doubted that this would work out.

And as it turned out, perhaps Francypants had a bit of a point. Greece, the first contestant, didn't seem at all interested in Prussia's long monologue about how awesome he was for some reason, nor in his air guitar demonstration, and he even yawned when Prussia started about his five meters! How did this idiot not appreciate his awesomeness? Though he knew of course that he couldn't possibly be doing something wrong, he decided it couldn't do too much harm to try out whatever France had to tell him.

 **"Dating tip number one: make eye contact!"**

Prussia was glad that France's first tip was 'make eye contact'. This way, he didn't have to actually listen to Contestant Number Two (Estonia) talking about boring things like computers and piano. Why would he want to be reminded of stupid piano? He wasn't dating stupid Austria! So he plugged his ears with his fingers and stared deep into Estonia's eyes. He came up closer for extra effect, but Estonia cowered back.

"Scary!" he whimpered, and started to back away.

Prussia wasn't going to give up on the eye contact thing, so he ran up close to Estonia, grabbed his face, and stared for as long as possible, until Estonia broke loose from his grip and ran out the door.

What the hell had he done wrong? Time for a new dating tip and a new contestant.

 **"Dating tip number two: don't just talk about yourself, but ask the other person questions!"**

Okay, this was going to be fun. America walked confidently into the room, and Prussia jumped up with a grin.

"Well, howdy, bro?" America asked. "I heard you were having some love problems."

Prussia snorted. America was tempting him into talking about himself, but he wasn't going to give in. Time to ask a question. He waited until America sat down across from him, and asked:

"How many inches?"

"Piss off!" said America, half angry, but half laughing. At least he was half laughing. The Awesome Prussia must be doing it right, then!

"How many months?" he asked, pointing at America's belly. He was no longer laughing, so maybe the 'how many' questions were getting old.

"Alright, time for small talk," Prussia announced. "What will you do when the Awesome Me is your boyfriend?"

"Dude, calm down!" said America very loudly, maybe to hide his uneasiness about the previous question. "You're taking this a bit fast!" Funny thing for the country of fast food and fast everything to say to a traditional nation like himself. He laughed at his joke, even though he didn't say it out loud.

"Do you want my autograph?" he asked. This was always a good question. Maybe America would even pay for it: he seemed pretty rich!

But America said no. Prussia pouted and didn't say anything for a while, as a punishment, but because of this, America suddenly started rattling on and on about McDonalds and action movies and other things that Prussia didn't quite understand. He had to interfere before America would take over the conversation!

"Hear my most awesomest question!" he bellowed. America stopped talking and looked up: screaming had worked! "How will you worship the Awesome Me as your God?"

For a moment, there was a silence in the room. This was the best question he had ever thought of, and he was very proud that it had rendered the talkative America so speechless. But then America suddenly looked offended, and yelled:

"You know what? I'm giving up on you!"

And as he stomped out the door, Prussia stuck his tongue out. He was too good for America anyway.

 **"Dating tip number three: bring presents!"**

"Oh. My. God! You brought me roses! That's like totally sweet of you!" Poland was in an elated state, but Prussia quickly pulled the bouquet away from him and held it protectively to his chest.

" _Hey_! Those aren't for you! That was a present for myself! Your present is over there!" He pointed towards a jar on the table.

Looking disappointed but curious, Poland went over to the table and fiddled with the jar, peeking inside.

"What _is_ this?!"

Prussia laughed maniacally. "My toenails! Do you like them?"

" _Ewww_!"

He didn't get why Poland was so disgusted. He had let him have the biggest honor in the world: to be the owner of the Awesome Me's own toenails! If people would pay for Lady Gaga's toenails, they would certainly pay triple the amount for his! Right? Or should he have given Poland a bucket of his armpit sweat instead?

 **"Dating tip number four: give the other person compliments!"**

The last contestant was America's brother, Canadana or something. Prussia grinned. This would be easy as hell.

"What a nice belly button you have!" he exclaimed as soon as Canadana entered the room.

"Eh?!" The guy seemed confused. "You can't even see my belly button..."

"And you have a nice nose," said Prussia. "I especially like the little hairs on the inside and the itty bits of snot!"

Canadana was turning a bit pink and he looked really awkward. He was probably waiting for a bigger compliment, so Prussia decided to give him the biggest mega-compliment in the world:

"You have beautiful red eyes!"

But Canadana was still not happy. "I don't even have red eyes!"

Well, that was that then. "You're so ungrateful!" he yelled at his speed date. "I tried to give you compliments! How was I supposed to tell the truth, when no one is even handsome at all compared to the Awesome Me!"

Canadana had had it. He stood up, balled his fists and said in a soft, but determined voice:

"You can forget about dating me then. If you think you're so handsome, you can go marry yourself!"

"That is.. That is..." Prussia was so mad that he didn't know how to respond. But when the meaning of the guy's words came to him, his face cleared up and he replied:

"That is... actually a very good idea!"

And so Prussia was married to himself the very next day. He was going to invite all his friends and fans, but then he decided not to invite anybody so that he could eat the whole wedding cake by himself. He kissed his new wedding ring in contempt, grinning that he had found the most awesome partner of them all.


End file.
